My nine year-old son recently asked my wife and me if we could guess his biggest fear. I silently scanned through a variety of disaster scenarios involving death and destruction, but was quickly brought to his reality when he said, “My biggest fear is that you guys will get divorced.”
We stopped what we were doing, looked him in the eyes and promised, “Mom and Dad will never get divorced.” We explained to him that this was something we could control. We reassured him that we will keep our marriage together. We sandwiched him between us and vocalized our resolve to keep our marriage strong and healthy.
We weren’t sure where this fear came from. He’s never heard us threaten divorce, and any marital disagreements are always quickly resolved. After we put him to bed that evening, my wife and I talked about the health of our marriage. We promised each other that we would remain faithful and committed to the health and stability of our marriage.
This was a great experience for our 11 year-old marriage. We felt rejuvenated by the re-establishment of our commitment and resolve to keep our marriage alive and healthy. Most of all, we were reminded of all the ways we can be intentional about strengthening our marriage.
Time magazine recently published an article that outlined the physical and emotional benefits of healthy marriage. The research overwhelmingly points to the benefits of healthy marriage for both men and women. Unhealthy marriages, on the other hand, can be corrosive to the body and mind. In other words, to really receive the benefits of marriage, it’s imperative that the marriage thrives.
I’ve come to believe that good marriages are “high maintenance.” Couples in healthy marriages recognize that they are purposefully doing things on a regular basis to strengthen their relationship. They understand that, like a garden, good marriages require lots of attention.
I believe that the best way to strengthen a marriage is to first become educated about what makes a marriage work. I’ve often wondered why people aren’t required to take a “marriage exam” before getting a marriage license. We require teenagers to prove their competence in a vehicle before issuing them a license, but send couples down the aisle hoping that their love will be enough.
Dr. John Gottman, a marriage researcher from the University of Washington, found that most couples will wait an average of six years after problems start in the marriage before seeking professional help. By the time many couples enter marriage counseling, they feel hopeless and exhausted from years of resentment and misunderstanding. Regular marriage education and enrichment is a great way to identify problems early on so they can be resolved.
Divorce is 100% preventable if there are two people who are willing to learn and improve their own behavior for the health of the marriage. Unlike death or illnesses that strike without warning, divorce can be prevented by early detection, education, and commitment. This is why my wife and I had no hesitation in telling our concerned son that we would never divorce. We are both equally committed to learning and growing as a couple.
There are several ways couples can become educated about healthy marriage. There are some great books on marriage that provide easy-to-understand guides for building a successful marriage. Email me at geoff@lovingmarriage.com and I’ll send you a list of my favorite marriage books and websites.
Marriage conferences and workshops are another excellent way to learn more about healthy marriages.
The Washington County Marriage Coalition is sponsoring a Marriage Celebration on Friday, February 8, 2008 hosted at Dixie State College. This is an excellent opportunity for Southern Utah couples to attend marriage workshops in their own community. Workshop topics include: “Marriage rituals – sticking together in a world that pulls us apart”, “Improving communication”, and “Couples and finances.”
The cost of the Marriage Celebration includes the workshops, dinner, and tickets to see Michael Ballam in concert that evening. You can pick up tickets at the Utah State Extension located at 44 N. 100 E. in St. George. You can also call 634-5706 for more information.
In my nine years as a practicing marriage and family therapist, I’ve spent thousands of hours helping individuals and couples save their marriages from divorce. I know that it’s possible for two committed individuals to work hard on learning the skills necessary to improve their marriages.
Whether your marriage needs a tune-up or a complete overhaul, there are resources available to help you avoid an unnecessary divorce. Make a promise to yourself, your spouse, and to your family that you will not only stay married, but do what it takes to build a healthy, vibrant marriage.
