I would like to challenge these assumptions by sharing how pornography use damages not only the individuals who view it, but especially wives and girlfriends of these same men.  I will also include suggestions for how women affected by their partner’s pornography use can cope as they begin the journey toward wholeness.

In all of my years of counseling individuals and couples, I have never seen any other behavior produce a pattern of pain and misery as predictable as that which happens to an individual and his marriage when he views pornography.  Let me briefly outline the pattern as I see it.

First, long before his wife discovers his pornography use (either by his own disclosure or by her catching him), he will begin to slowly change into someone who becomes more self-centered, irritable, moody, and impatient.  He will spend less focused time with his family, seek out more distractions, begin to mentally and even verbally devalue his marriage, become critical of his wife’s body and character, feel more spiritually empty, and experience more internal stress.  He will become more dissatisfied with his work, become easily bored with things that used to interest him, and feel restless.  He will also become more resentful and blaming when things don’t turn out the way he hoped.

This transformation may take years, depending on how often he views pornography.  If he only seeks it out every few months, he may be able to fool himself that the aforementioned challenges are situational and will pass with time.  For those who view pornography more frequently, each viewing produces more disconnection from the man he could become.  The repeated viewings and subsequent self-deception deepen this transformation over time.

This gradual erosion eventually creates confusion and strife in the marriage. Although each case is different, most wives who knew nothing of their husband’s secretive pornography consumption have told me they felt like something was “off” in their relationship with their husband. They usually second-guessed themselves, many of them even reflexively blaming themselves entirely for the disconnection in the marriage.

If undisclosed pornography use has the potential to produce this much confusion and pain in a marriage, one can only imagine the level of difficulty imposed on a wife when these secretive behaviors are brought to light. Shock, denial, anger, rage, depression, self-loathing, isolation, and fear are some of the words that describe what a woman experiences when she learns of her husband’s secretive sexual behaviors.  Virtually every woman I’ve worked with has experienced deep shame, embarrassment, and humiliation.  Consequently, partners will often suffer privately and become more disconnected and isolated from their support systems.  Even if they initially react in anger, most of the pain becomes “sorrow that the eye can’t see.”

It seems that most men who admit their secretive behaviors feel a sense of relief that they don’t have to keep their behaviors secret anymore.  On the other hand, their wives feel the opposite of relief, experiencing profound fear, anxiety, and confusion.

Many scholars have noted that women betrayed by their husband’s pornography use experience symptoms associated with posttraumatic stress disorder, a condition that is equated with feelings of powerlessness, intrusive thoughts and memories, and efforts to avoid the triggers associated with the traumatic stressor.  Like war-torn soldiers, these women live in fear that something will remind them of the painful memories associated with the betrayal of pornography. They often become hyper-vigilant by checking computer histories, cell phones, and obsessing over details related to his pornography use.

The stress associated with discovering a husband’s pornography addiction can produce sleepless nights, food issues (both overeating and undereating), traumatic flashbacks, crying spells, and feelings of hopelessness.  The physical exhaustion related to these stressors can cause a once perfectly healthy woman to begin under functioning in her various roles.

Dr. Shondell Knowlton, a marriage and family therapist in Farmington, UT, has compared the experience of learning of a husband’s secret pornography use to tipping over a cart of neatly stacked apples.  She says that when the metaphorical apple cart gets dumped over, the order and predictability of one’s life gets scattered in all directions. Energy previously used for other things gets re-routed to gathering, cleaning, sorting, and re-stacking the “apples.”  This process is fraught with disorder, confusion, and humiliation.

Many women believe they will automatically recover from the trauma of their husband’s pornography use when he stops looking at it.  It’s easy to imagine how this would be the case.  If the behavior that is causing the pain goes away, then the pain goes away, right?  Yes and no.

Yes, the pain will decrease as a husband commits to ending his pornography consumption and begins to live an authentic life free from the damaging effects of this addiction.  On the other hand, if women affected by their husband’s pornography use don’t consciously work to undo the effects of his behavior, they could continue to hang onto unresolved fear, resentment, anger, and grief.

Another comparison helps to clarify this point. If a pedestrian is struck by a car, the pedestrian will be moved to safety and risks associated with getting hit will likely be eliminated.  However, the fear, physical pain, and emotional insecurity associated with getting struck in the first place will linger unless the pedestrian works to undo the impact of that event.

Women who discover their husband’s pornography use will benefit from doing some emotional first-aid to help stabilize them so they can set themselves up to do the long-term work of healing.  I will outline some of the most helpful first steps women can take when they discover their husband’s behavior.  I will then briefly explain what is involved in long-term recovery for women affected by their husband’s pornography use.

First-Aid

1.  Physical self-care is probably the most overlooked aspect of early recovery for women.

Trauma is mostly experienced in the body.  The body is designed to protect us from danger.  If an individual experiences a serious threat to their safety (emotional or physical), their body will become tense, flooded with adrenaline, and have difficulty calming down.  To ignore the body is to ignore one of the greatest resources for healing.  I have found that women who make physical self-care a priority heal much faster from the impact of their husband’s secretive behaviors.  Many women find that getting more sleep, eating healthy foods, exercising, meditating, stretching, soaking in warm water, and slowing down to nurture their physical body can help them shift out of survival mode so they can think clearly.

2.  Spiritual grounding provides feelings of peace, hope, and reassurance in the face of so much uncertainty.  Meditation, prayer, seeking comfort and counsel from words of ancient and modern prophets, and counseling with church leaders allows women access to power and strength beyond their own.  Many women feel forsaken by God and alone when they’ve been betrayed by those closest to them.  Spiritual healing is essential, even if it takes time.  Some women find it hard to attend church and spend time with others when they feel so low and vulnerable.  If this is difficult, remember that being around others can be healing even if you don’t reach out and share.  Also, it can help to spend time where spiritual feelings are easier to access, such as visiting peaceful locations in nature or listening to uplifting music.

3.  Emotional expression is critical throughout all stages of recovery, but especially in the early stages.  Many women find it helpful to write their feelings in a new journal that they have the option of throwing away at a later date. Emotions can be so strong early in this process that some women worry about putting raw feelings in their regular journal. It’s important to have the freedom to express feelings in a healthy non-aggressive way. No feeling is inappropriate.  Feelings come and go like the waves of sea, so it’s important to give them full expression and movement.  Holding on to any strong emotion with the hope that it will disappear only keeps it stuck.  Talking with others can also help, which is explained in the next item.

4.  Connecting to others who can help is also difficult to do, but has tremendous benefits as well.  It’s not recommended that a woman who learns about her husband’s behavior broadcast her pain to just anyone who will listen.  Instead, it’s important to identify a few key individuals who: 1) will keep confidences, 2) can provide a safe place to talk, 3) won’t negatively judge her or her husband, and 4) can offer some support and direction.  It can be beneficial for the long-term stability of the relationship for a woman to inform her husband that she will be speaking to specific individuals about her struggles.  Helpful individuals often include ecclesiastical leaders, therapists, parents or siblings, 12-step support groups, therapy groups, and close friends.

5.  Simplifying life is certainly a goal for most people, but this is an excellent reason to begin.  This is the ideal opportunity to begin saying “no” to extra commitments, evaluating the schedule, and looking for things to cut out.  Dealing with the trauma of betrayal is so physically and emotionally exhausting that everything that used to feel easy will suddenly feel impossible.  It’s important to keep a simple structure in place so there is order and predictability in life.  However, a frenzied pace only functions as a distraction and eventually catches up in the form of more hopelessness, feelings of failure, and powerlessness.  Helping others can create a sense of purpose as well.  It is better to slow down and prioritize those things that will bring the greatest peace, joy, and comfort.

6.  Education is critical in the early stages of recovery.  There are many good resources available to help women understand the scope of the problem.  I maintain a readings list for partners available on my resources page of www.lifestarstgeorge.com.  Education can help validate common feelings and clear up misconceptions about addiction and recovery.

Long-term Healing

Healing from the effects of a husband’s pornography addiction is best compared to grief, loss, and bereavement.  The discovery of a partner’s secret sexual behavior can cause a woman’s life (as she knew it) to flash before her eyes.  Recovering from this loss is a process of understanding the shock and anger, processing the sadness of what was lost, and moving toward acceptance of the new life.  The new life may or may not include a husband who is committed to long-term recovery.  Regardless of that outcome, it’s still critical for women to do the long-term work of healing from the impact of secret pornography use.  Future articles will cover what long-term recovery includes and how women can continue their journey toward wholeness in the face of betrayal.

My husband recently retired and we seem to be out of sync with each other.  I began working after our last child left the home several years ago and now he’s frustrated that I’m not home as much.  I plan to retire from my job someday in the future, but what can we do in the meantime to decrease the tension in our marriage?

Answer:

First of all, be careful not to make any major decisions regarding your career until you’ve had a chance to talk about your goals for the future.  You will want to make sure that you and your husband have a clear idea of where you’re headed before you become reactive to current circumstances.

Jan Cullinane and Cathy Fitzgerald , authors of “The New Retirement: The Ultimate Guide to the Rest of Your Life”, state that “the first couple of years of retirement are comparable to the first two years of marriage or parenthood; it’s a time to negotiate (or renegotiate) roles and share ideas and dreams.”  Couples who move into retirement assuming that the relationship will maintain the same dynamics are often surprised to learn that expectations have changed.

Ronald J. Manheimer, executive director of the North Carolina Center for Creative Retirement, says the biggest challenges for men as they move into retirement include losing their status in the workplace, losing a large part of their social support system, feeling a loss of purpose, declining physical abilities, poor communication with significant others, and dealing with “boomerang kids.”  For women who retire from working outside the home, their challenges include losing their identity, feeling responsible for their spouses’ social life and entertainment, experiencing a disruption of their established patterns, needing to take care of everyone, financial and health issues, and outliving their spouses.

Understanding these challenges can help couples have compassion for one another as they work to negotiate how they will spend their remaining years together.  I encourage you and your husband to sit down and formally discussed the list of challenges men and women face as they move into retirement.  Ask your husband if he feels a loss of purpose in his life.  Tell him if you’re feeling responsible for his social calendar.  This is a critical time to formally discuss how each of you is experiencing this transition.

You may find that you can continue working while your husband becomes involved in volunteer work or hobbies that he’s put off while he worked on his career.  You may decide to scale down your work and devote more time to shared interests.   The options are wide open when you recognize that the two of you get to decide how you want your retirement years to look.

It’s as easy as 1….2….3!

It’s true that we can’t always control what shows up before our eyes. Thankfully, we have the ability to decide what we’ll do once we’re exposed to alluring images and words.

The moment your eyes and mind register something sexually charged, you’re less likely to have it affect you negatively if you can turn away within the first three seconds. Count to three right now…. one one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand. It’s a lot longer than you think, right?

Use this small window of opportunity to help you protect your sensitive brain from becoming aroused and suddenly slipping down the slope toward danger. Of course, if you’ve gone looking for alluring images and words, the 3-second rule has already been broken. If
you’ve already planned how you’ll view such images, it will be difficult to apply the 3-second rule once you access the pictures.

Remember, you should always try to stop the thought before it cascades into deeper behavior. It’s never too late to stop and try again.

Once you apply the 3-second rule, move on to something more productive, look at the ground, keep moving, do anything other than focus on the image. It will be more difficult to linger on the image if you only glimpsed it for a second and turned away.

It may be the most important three seconds of your day.

Remember that secrecy is the lifeblood of addiction. One of the most powerful ways to break the compulsive cycle of sexual addiction is to step out of the shadows of secrecy
and isolation. People who have disclosed secret behaviors often report that the disclosure was an essential step in their recovery.

Breaking out of secrecy and isolation requires the addict to make a genuine and sincere effort at reaching out to another person who can be helpful to them in their process
of recovery. This could be a church leader, a therapist, a close friend, a parent, or a spouse.
Sometimes individuals are caught viewing pornography or engaging in compulsive sexual activity and they believe that this counts as being out of isolation and having their secret exposed. While it is true that they are now not alone in their secret behavior, they still haven’t demonstrated a willingness to get out of isolation on their own.

The following is a list of recommended steps to follow when making your disclosure:

1. Take a Personal Inventory – Write down all of your behaviors as you remember them. Take time to make sure they’re all included.

2. Prepare the Time and Place – Make sure that you’ll have plenty of time to disclose and discuss.

3. Write your Disclosure – Write down what you’ll say and how you want to say it. Avoid going in- depth on every behavior, but instead list the frequency, duration, longevity, and severity of your behaviors

4. Prepare for Reactions – This includes your own reaction to disclosing and the reaction of the person you’ll tell. Many people, especially spouses and parents, will be deeply hurt by your disclosure. This shouldn’t stop you from disclosing, however.

5. Answer Questions & Accept Consequences – You should avoid being defensive about your behaviors. Accept any time and space requests from a spouse or other sanctions imposed by a leader or parent.

It’s important that you have a person you can report to, such as a therapist, who will not shame you. Consider this person a “fair witness” who will listen, provide counsel, and hold you accountable for what you say. You’ve got to feel safe talking about your addiction. It might even be wise to practice your disclosure with your therapist.

You will feel relief as you disclose your secret behaviors. Breaking out of isolation and secrecy can help you use the energy you were spending on guarding your secret toward
getting on the road to recovery.

“It wasn’t as bad as other stuff I’ve seen”

“It’s not like I look at it everyday”

These self-reassuring statements are a small sampling of comments I hear from men who struggle with viewing pornography. They wonder if they are really addicted. Many of them hide in secrecy for years trying to resolve the unwanted behaviors on their own. The secret struggle often creates more hopelessness and feelings of powerlessness over this mysterious force that seems to keep sabotaging their best efforts. In their pain and frustration, many of them ask me the following questions:

“How can I tell if I am really addicted to pornography?”

“How do I know if I really need to get help for my behavior?”

“What’s involved in overcoming these unwanted behaviors?”

I will answer these questions in an attempt to outline a road map for understanding and overcoming an addiction to pornography and discovering a new way of living life.

How can I tell if I am really addicted to pornography?

Simply stated, 1) if you want to stop the behavior, 2) but you can’t, and 3) the behaviors are causing life-damaging consequences, 4) then you’re probably addicted. It’s common to wonder if addiction only counts for those guys who look at pornography multiple times per day. While this is certainly a pattern of addiction, the definition can also apply to a much broader type of behavioral pattern. For example, I’ve worked with individuals who look at pornography only three times per year. One might look at this sporadic pattern and wonder how three viewings of pornography in one year’s time could be considered an addiction. Let’s look at what three viewings per year could do to such an individual.

First, he’s going to keep his behavior a secret from others because he’s embarrassed about it. This secrecy is going to produce shame. Shame is a feeling of being broken, damaged, or defective. He might briefly say things to himself like, “what’s my problem?” “Why do I keep going back to this when I know it’s wrong?” His shame is going to produce anxiety and depression that will be difficult to ignore. He will have to create a “false self” for others to see so they don’t wonder if he is someone who looks at pornography. His false self will make it difficult to genuinely connect with his wife, his children, and with God. He will worry about being discovered. He worries what others will think of him if they ever discover his secret behaviors. He always feels like he’s not as good as other guys who don’t appear to struggle. The shame and stress will create a low-grade misery that will be difficult to escape. Sounds pretty life-damaging to me!

While there are varying degrees of intensity on the continuum of pornography addiction, even occasional viewings of pornography can deeply affect an individual. It’s not only the images of pornography that change the way men view women and close relationships.  The secret shame and stress associated with violating one’s own standards of conduct on a repeated basis also causes individuals to live far beneath their divine potential.

The anxiety surrounding the definition of addiction is usually linked to the fear of being labeled a “pervert” or “weirdo”. In actuality, when an individual stops fighting the worry about labels and starts moving toward a life of sincere recovery, he won’t care what label applies to his situation. The freedom and joy he will experience as he releases the shameful secrecy and pain of self-betrayal will wash out lesser fears linked to how others might perceive him.

How do I know if I really need to get help for my behavior?

Men who struggle with pornography problems usually do so in isolation despite their best intentions and efforts to quit. In their isolation, they make deals with themselves such as, “if I slip one more time, then I’ll get help”, or “let’s see how the next week goes and then I’ll decide if I need to get help”. These mental gymnastics keep the individual stuck in their old patterns of addiction because they continue to make up new rules and exceptions. In other words, the line of accountability keeps moving.

Dr. Mark Laaser, a noted author and therapist on the subject of sexual addiction, always asks his clients the following question when he begins his work with them: “Do you want to get well?” He says that if the individual can’t answer that question, then he will have difficulty helping them. It’s my belief that if the answer to the question is “yes”, then breaking out of isolation to get help will be much easier.

I encourage men I work with to do some self-education on the topic of pornography addiction so they can begin to understand the landscape of recovery. I want them to understand what it will take for them to undo the grip of pornography and make long-term lifestyle changes. Virtually every guy I’ve worked with tells me they initially underestimated how much help they needed.

A person who truly wants to be rid of their behavior will do everything they can to completely eliminate the unwanted behaviors. Although asking for help will produce momentary embarrassment, the long-term benefits of a life without pornography are worth the effort.

Sometimes people approach recovery with the desire to eliminate the problematic behavior without considering how the problem became so unmanageable in the first place. Stopping the behavior is actually the easiest part of recovery. The long-term changes associated with undoing the thinking patterns that create the addiction is a much deeper process.

Dallin H. Oaks explained it as follows, “A person [with a pornography addiction] is like a tree that bends easily in the wind. On a windy and rainy day, the tree bends so deeply against the ground that the leaves become soiled with mud… If we focus only on cleaning the leaves, the weakness in the tree that allowed it to bend and soil its leaves may remain. Similarly, a person who is merely sorry to be soiled by [their addiction] will [slip] again in the next high wind. The susceptibility to repetition continues until the tree has been strengthened.”

Since recovery is more than just stopping unwanted behaviors, it’s critical to enlist the help of others who can offer support in the form of education, accountability, and encouragement.

What’s involved in overcoming these unwanted behaviors?

I’ve broken down the process of recovery from pornography addiction into the following stages. Each will be explained briefly.

1. Step into the light

2. Transform the behavior

3. Discover life without pornography

4. The long-term recovery journey

Step Into the Light

When an individual views pornography in secrecy, those behaviors usually continue to stay secret. There is tremendous effort exerted to ensure that the behaviors are not discovered.  This secrecy puts tremendous emotional pressure on the individual which reinforces the need to continue viewing pornography. The most powerful ways to break out of this cycle of secrecy is to “step into the light” and tell someone else about the secret behaviors.

Who is the safest person to tell?  Consider the following suggestions:  The confidant should be someone who 1) can keep confidences, 2) is helpful and encouraging, and 3) will be around to offer support long-term.

If an individual is married, their spouse needs to be at the top of the list. Additionally, church leaders are powerful sources of counsel and healing.  Trusted friends, parents, or counseling professionals are also important supports to consider.

This is often the most difficult step due to embarrassment and fear. It’s likely that the fear of being discovered has been around since the individual had their first exposure to pornography. For many people, this first exposure happened in early adolescence. Virtually every individual I’ve worked with has felt tremendous relief in their first meeting with me after telling their story of struggling with pornography. They describe feeling a literal release of the terrible burden of secrecy that has been with them for years. They finally have a taste of what life will be like without the additional weight of their secret behaviors.

There is a tendency for those who struggle to want to tell only a portion of the secret behaviors. This is what I call “spotlighting” behavior. While spotlighting is certainly better than keeping others entirely in the dark, it doesn’t allow the full scope of the problem to be resolved. Turning on all of the lights allows the entire problem to be understood more completely. It’s important for those struggling with pornography addiction to complete a full inventory of secret behaviors that will eventually be shared with a trusted confidant. Most 12-step programs have excellent information on how to create a full inventory.

If an individual is married, sharing this inventory with their spouse can often be a delicate and sensitive process.  Some spouses can be traumatized by too much detail early in recovery.  I highly recommend reading a book on disclosure such as “Discussing Pornography Problems with a Spouse” by Dan Gray and Rory Reid or “Disclosing Secrets” by Jennifer Schneider and Debra Corely for further information on this topic.

Transform the Behavior

It’s important to use the momentum generated from disclosure to power through the behavioral transformation phase. As stated earlier, this is actually the easiest part of the recovery journey. Behavioral change will often come quickly (within a few months) and will give much-needed encouragement and hope to continue in long-term recovery. This is the time for an individual to experience the successful transformation of how they understand their relationship with triggers and sexual urges.

This transformation phase requires a tremendous amount of education, practicing certain skills, and connecting with a support system. If there has been a history of viewing pornography, the brain and body have been programmed to respond to sexual triggers in a predictable way over the years. It will take dedicated practice to re-route these tendencies. The good news is that the brain can be healed with committed effort!

The specifics of how to create these behavioral changes is beyond the scope of this article. I recommend seeking out professionals who are trained in treating pornography addiction to help with this stage of recovery.  There are structured ways to learn how to implement these new ways of thinking and behaving.

Discover Life Without Pornography

This phase of treatment is often bittersweet experience for those who pass through it. The “bitter” part is the withdrawal from the powerful chemical high associated with pornography addiction. This can often take weeks to overcome. Some individuals experience strong physiological withdrawal symptoms that can create irritability, insomnia, fatigue, and other bothersome symptoms.

Like detoxification from drugs or alcohol, denying the body the regular bursts of dopamine, serotonin, adrenaline, and other chemicals associated with pornography addiction will create powerful physical cravings. This withdrawal will begin in the initial stages of recovery, but can last longer, depending on the individual’s history of pornography use.

I encourage individuals to lean into the pain of withdrawal and rely on their tools and support gained in the transformation phase to help train their brain learn to live without the chemical cocktail associated with their addiction. Withdrawal can also create a feeling of loss and confusion about how to live life without the addiction. It can feel like mourning the death of an old friend.  This loss will eventually disappear as the individual pushes forward in their recovery efforts and discovers new ways to do life without the influence of the addiction.

The “sweet” part of this stage is the newfound awareness of how enjoyable life can be without pornography! There are some exciting discoveries in this phase of recovery. For example, the five senses become more active and engaged with the world. I have clients tell me that they can feel, see, and hear things that they never noticed before. They are often amazed at how much pornography numbed-out their senses. They start to re-connect with God, with their families, and with themselves.  As an individual becomes re-sensitized to life, they will experience additional motivation to continue in their recovery journey.

The Long-Term Recovery Journey

Recovery can be compared to launching a satellite into orbit. It takes tremendous energy to get a rocket out of the pull of earth’s gravity. As the rocket gains momentum, less power is needed to put it into its desired orbit. Eventually, the satellite is released into orbit and only requires small and consistent bursts of energy to keep it positioned in orbit. The satellite will stay in its correct orbit as long as those consistent corrections are applied.

Early recovery is often full of intensity, energy, and earth-shaking changes. Long-term recovery looks nothing like this. Instead, it’s made up of finely-tuned course corrections that keep the individual positioned in a healthy lifestyle. If an individual is constantly battling triggers and relapses, they will never get to really enjoy life and experience the long-term growth available to them.

Most individuals will pass through the first three stages of recovery within 6-12 months. The behavioral changes in these stages create stability necessary to do the long-term work of relapse prevention and life changes. As stated previously in the metaphor of the wind and tree, this stage is the work of strengthening the trunk of the tree.

Individuals risk becoming over-confident at this point in recovery. They often believe that they’ve “arrived” and don’t need to work as hard. While they have most certainly arrived at a new place of living life, it’s important to maintain their gains and understand clearly how to keep building a life free from the destructive pull of pornography.

Recovery is the process of restoring things to their proper state, creating a fresh view of oneself and one’s relationships, and healing the sources of pain that created the need for the addiction in the first place. It’s critical to maintain the same system of support during this stage of recovery for regular accountability and close support. Support systems can provide much-needed feedback and observations as the individual creates the long-term adjustments critical to their full recovery.

Conclusion

A man lost in a large city stopped to ask for directions. He wondered if he was so far off course that reaching his destination would be impossible. The individual helping him reassured him with these words, “Don’t worry – you can get there from here.”

Regardless of how an individual believes they’ve strayed from their goal to be healed from the effects of pornography addiction, they can get to full recovery by following the road map of a structured recovery.  Regardless of how deep they believe their addiction has taken them, they can use the same agency that put them in the addiction to help them get out of the addiction.  Stopping, asking for help, and carefully following the steps of recovery will make life without pornography a reality.

And the best news is that healing from an addiction to pornography not only offers an individual an opportunity to stop life-damaging behaviors, but also creates a completely new way of living life. Individuals who commit to full recovery will discover a new version of themselves previously unimagined.

My daughter and son-in-law are struggling in their marriage.  My daughter has hinted at the fact that they are contemplating separation and possibly divorce.  I want to know what I can do to help them without being nosey and making things worse.

Answer:

It seems that most marriages are only public in the beginning and at the end.  What happens in-between is often a mystery to others who might be able to offer assistance and guidance through the years.

Research shows that most couples will wait an average of six years after problems begin before they ask for help.  Without some type of intervention after problems begin, most couples will form patterns and behaviors that can cripple their union.

Here are a few ideas that might assist you as you contemplate how you can offer your support to this troubled couple.

First of all, recognize that you’ll be most helpful to this couple if you view yourself as a “friend of the marriage”.  This is no time to side with your daughter against her husband.  Your concern should be more about their marriage and less about each person’s side of the story.

Your daughter will naturally want you to side with her perspective.  However, this may not be in the best interest of their marriage.  You can still listen supportively to her concerns, but keep in mind you’re only hearing one perspective of the marriage.  You might inadvertently encourage her to stay narrowly focused on her own painful perspective and neglect her responsibility to view her own contribution to their problems.

If there are dangerous patterns in the marriage, such as physical, emotional, or sexual violence, work to ensure the safety the affected individuals.  Problems such as abuse, addiction, and infidelity often require professional help.  With the careful guidance of a marriage-friendly professional, your daughter and son-in-law can better navigate the delicate healing process.

Your job isn’t to referee their problems.  Instead, they need to work out their marital differences with the unfailing support of family members who believe in long-term marriage.  If your daughter has disclosed her concerns to you, encourage her to turn back toward her husband and decide as a couple what they can do to solve their problems.

I also recommend that you contact your son-in-law and offer your support and reassurance.  Your ability to model a balanced perspective in their marriage difficulties will set a powerful precedent as they work to see both sides of the problem.

You can also share generalities of your own experiences in working out your own marital difficulties.  Your hard-won wisdom about the ups and downs of marriage will be a great source of encouragement to them.

Your daughter’s hints to you about her distress are an invitation to talk about the importance of preserving marriage and preventing the fallout of divorce.  Your hope and encouragement can provide the support they’ll need as they work to preserve their union.

I’m feeling threatened by the amount of time my spouse is spending “connecting” with old friends and ex-partners on Facebook.  Am I making a big deal about nothing?

Answer:

This is a question I’m hearing more frequently in my practice.  I will explain some of the common reasons individuals feel threatened by their partner’s social networking.  Then, perhaps you can decide how to handle your specific concerns.

The most damaging threat to relationships is using a social networking site to facilitate an emotional or physical affair.  This is becoming more commonplace as individuals reconnect with old schoolmates, ex-lovers, and other friends.  It’s not unusual for curiosity to get the best of someone as they search out old “flames” to get an update on their lives.  The old feelings often resurface and comparisons are made to their current situation.  Not only do the rekindled feelings put the reconnected individuals on a slippery slope, but the emotional reconnection threatens current committed relationships.

Many people assume that infidelity only happens once physical boundaries have been crossed.  On the contrary, infidelity includes turning one’s heart to another person.  Marital commitment is a complete commitment of heart, mind, soul, and body.  To secretly share this with another person violates the exclusivity of marital commitment.

There should be complete transparency in all online social networking.  If your spouse won’t let you access their account, doesn’t add you as a friend, and generally conceals their activities, you should discuss these concerns together.

Another threat of social networking is the amount of couple and family time that is replaced by connecting with others online.   Staring at the back of your partner’s head as they “hang out” with their friends online is a big turnoff and can create feelings of jealousy and insecurity.  I’ve heard many frustrated partners say they can’t compete with the endless parade of socializing available on social networking sites.

Once you figure out why this social networking situation is so bothersome to you, I recommend you gently approach your partner and ask them to spend more time with you.  My guess is that you’re feeling threatened by the lack of connection you feel when your partner seems to be more connected and interested in other people’s lives instead of showing interest in your world.

Ask your partner to go do something together.  Express your need to be connected to your partner.  Tell your partner how much you enjoy being together.  If your partner shows no response and doesn’t seem to be interested in having a real relationship with you, then I recommend you seek out professional help to address the lack of connection in your relationship.

If you discover that your partner is on the slippery slope toward emotional or physical infidelity, then I recommend picking up a copy of “Not Just Friends” by Dr. Shirley Glass to learn how to address this very real threat to your marriage.

Like many Internet applications, social networking can enrich both individuals and families when used in a balanced way.  Good luck as you work to create more connection in your marriage.

I can’t seem to figure out how to make enough time for all of the demands on my schedule.  I want to balance my time between family, work, church and community volunteer commitments, and personal time.  However, I always seem to come up short and end up borrowing from one area to pay the other.  Is there a way to make it all fit together?

Answer:

I applaud you for your desire to restore balance to your life. Your question reminds me of the words of the famous historian, Will Durant.  He wrote of the human need “to seize the value and perspective of passing things.”  He observed that we “want to know that the little things are little, and the big things big, before it is too late; we want to see things now as they will seem forever—‘in the light of eternity.’”

Many of us believe that it would be possible to do more if we could just figure out how to fit it all in.  We spend all of our time trying to fit together this unending puzzle of commitments and often end up feeling exhausted and resentful of all we have to do.

One family scholar observed that bragging rights seem to go to the individual who has their kids involved in the most activities and appears to have the most on their plate.  It seems these days that the trophy goes to the busiest and most involved.

Instead of helping you fit more in, I’m going to encourage you to make cuts and not replace them with other activities or commitments.

This sifting process will be difficult, but you’ll be amazed at how much energy is instantly freed up just by saying “no” to a few things.

It can be helpful to go through your list of commitments with a loved one and have them ask you questions about each one to help you sort out the most critical from the unimportant.  Talking through each commitment with someone else can add perspective and make it easier to follow through on the sifting process.

While this seems overly simplistic, it’s surprising how many of us go through life moving from one commitment to the other without considering the impact on us or our loved ones.

The goal is to see clearly enough to cut out the less essential and focus more depth of involvement to those relationships and commitments that matter most.  I fear that we borrow too heavily on the goodwill of our most important relationships, hoping we can make it up later.

As you work to show your most important relationships and commitments how much they matter to you by saying “no” or “not now” to other less-important commitments, you will discover the peace you seek.

I am having a difficult time getting my kids into a good bedtime routine.  Maybe it’s just the summer, but it seems like there is a battle every night to get them to bed on time.  Any suggestions?

Answer:

Creating a good ending to the day for children and parents can be a rewarding experience.  When it doesn’t go well, it can feel frustrating and discouraging.  Here are a few thoughts that might help the transition to bedtime go more smoothly.

Even though you struggle with setting a consistent bedtime, I think it’s great that you value the need for a set bedtime for your children.  Although the summer months seem to be more relaxed, your children will benefit from your efforts to create structure before school schedules require it.

The key point about bedtime is that children have to learn how to calm down and fall asleep.  They do this best when they are provided with a clear and consistent structure that gives their bodies the time and conditions to relax.

It can be helpful to pay attention to how much sleep each child needs.  Some children need more sleep than others in order to function well.  You can experience fewer struggles at bedtime if you have a clear idea of what is best for each child’s body.  Some children may need to start heading to bed sooner or later depending on the needs of their body.

It’s hard for many children to stop what they’re doing and transition to bed.  Many times this can come as a surprise to children when their parents abruptly announce that it’s bedtime.  If you want your children in bed by 8:30pm, consider transitioning them toward bed an hour earlier.  This takes planning and discipline on the part of the parent.  The children will learn to adjust to the earlier start time, especially if it becomes consistent.

Recognize that setting up a transition time will take a serious time and energy commitment during a time of day when parental energy resources may be at their lowest point.  Eliminating distractions such as cell phones, TV, computers, and other interruptions can help set the stage for bedtime.  If your children’s schedules are keeping them up too late, you may have to consider the costs of having them overscheduled and adjust accordingly.

To set parents and children up for success, the transition time must be as firm as the actual bedtime.  This allows the children the time and space to slow their minds and bodies down.  The transition structure can include activities to settle down, such as:  taking a bath, brushing teeth, getting dressed in pajamas, reading books, singing, talking about the day, and snuggling.

Children of all ages appreciate when parents slow down and spend time with them.  Many parents find that children look forward to bedtime if they know their parents will be available to listen, talk, and connect.  You’ll even feel more relaxed and satisfied as you give your family the gift of slowness and a soothing transition at the end of the day.

My spouse has passwords on her phone and email account that I don’t have access to.  When I ask her for the passwords, she accuses me of not trusting her and says that she should be able to have privacy.  Of course, this just makes me more suspicious.  Any suggestions?

Answer:

Although I don’t have the complete picture of your situation, your concern is understandably disconcerting.

First of all, let me explain the difference between privacy and secrecy.  Privacy is about defining healthy boundaries.  For example, there is a part of a marriage relationship that only the couple shares.  It might be their financial information, sexual life, or other sensitive matters.  It doesn’t belong to either partner, but rather, to the couple.  The couple keeps that part of their relationship private by establishing boundaries around it.

On the other hand, secrecy is about guarding information you would never want anyone else to know.  A secret isn’t something you typically share with other people, especially those close to you.  Secrets carry tremendous energy and require constant efforts to keep them guarded.   Secrets also carry shame.

This distinction is important because a marriage should have no secrets.  When a couple commits in marriage to become one, they agree to live a life of openness and transparency.  Secrets create walls and kill intimacy.

Marriage should be a secure base where both people know that the other person will be accessible and responsive.  When there is a block with accessibility and responsiveness it creates insecurity and mistrust.

Even though your wife may not be betraying you with another person, her refusal to respond to your request feels like a betrayal.  It’s important that you express to her how this affects your feelings of safety and trust in the relationship.  You can’t know what she’s doing, but you do know that she is guarding a part of her life from you, which creates the lack of trust.

As I mentioned already, I recommend you talk with her clearly about your need to feel safely connected to her in the relationship.  Don’t speculate about what she may be hiding.

She may simply be reacting to feeling like she doesn’t have any personal space.  If that’s the case, see if you can find a way for her to define a personal space that doesn’t threaten the connection in the marriage.

You also need to look at your own reasons for wanting to check her email and phone.  Have there been suspicious behaviors that need to be discussed?  If so, talk about those concerns and work to understand the truth behind the observations.

Of course, if things fail to improve and you can’t seem to move through the impasse, then I recommend you seek help from a qualified marriage counselor.  There may be other reasons she won’t open up to you that need more attention.

Marriage feels the safest when there is full transparency available to each partner.  True intimacy is built on a shared trust and respect that requires vulnerability.  Good luck as you work to deepen your connection to your wife.