Q&A with Geoff: Did we emotionally mess up our daughter?

I used to feel very attacked by this daughter, but now I’m worried that she may be right. When she was a newborn, we didn’t have any skills except from a book. The book told us not to hold her too much, so we didn’t. The book said she wouldn’t smile until 2 months old, so we didn’t try to encourage that and were shocked when a friend made her giggle at 7 weeks old.

It took her father and I about eight months before we felt like we had any connection with her. We didn’t know how to bond and were always stressed about doing the wrong things for her. We did better with her siblings and relaxed a lot more as we gained more experience.

Now I ask myself, “Did our early inexperience and inability to connect with this child cause her narcissism and feelings of being neglected?” Her siblings claim we gave her twice as much attention as anyone else. Did we actually mess her up as her therapist says we did?

Answer

It’s normal to second-guess your parenting choices, especially when one of your children is actively leading the charge against you while recruiting siblings to join the blame chorus. Your desire to be accountable to your daughter is commendable, but I would hesitate to blame all of her current struggles on your earnest fumbling during her early months of development.

You have a sincere desire to look at your own contributions to this situation, but it’s also important to consider the complexity of human development that include individual traits, outside influences, parenting choices and biological factors.

Instead of singlehandedly attempting to isolate the source of her angst, I recommend you focus on how to respond to her in the present moment. Even if you were neglectful and clueless parents, no amount of criticism about your past efforts will help anyone feel better.

I haven’t met one parent in my 20-plus years as a marriage and family therapist who didn’t have at least one regret in their parenting journey. When we learn that we’ve done something that has hurt our children, most of the time our humble ownership of our mistakes and failures is enough to help them feel validated in their pain. If they need something more from us, it never hurts to listen more closely to better understand what they need from us right now.

Now, please recognize that it’s hard to respond effectively to someone who leads with criticism instead of soft requests. Criticism doesn’t require any real vulnerability on the part of the accuser. Her approach with you and her siblings doesn’t appear to include any specific requests beyond a general observation that you don’t pay attention to anyone.

If she needs something specific from you, then she can do the work to visit with you privately and ask for it. Otherwise, it’s not helpful for her to speak for the siblings, especially if they’re directly coming to you to counter her assertions.

When you interact with someone, especially your own child, who only brings criticism instead of specific requests, it’s normal to become self-critical instead of self-aware. Self-criticism doesn’t help you become a better parent or improve your relationships.

On the other hand, if we hear a request for something that creates more self-awareness, then we will often feel a mixture of discomfort that eventually leads us toward the truth about what will help us and them. My sweetest parenting moments have come when I’ve discovered a better way to relate to my children through their specific requests and my own self-assessment.

You’re seeking a better way to relate to your daughter. I hope she’s seeking a better way to relate to you as well. Even though you’re her mother, you’re not actively parenting her anymore. Instead, you’re working to build a mutually satisfying relationship with her where both of you take responsibility for the ways you impact each other. If your other children have similar requests of you, it’s important to study those patterns and learn from them.

However, if her criticism persists, then see if you can encourage her to shift from criticism to asking for something specific in the relationship. You can’t re-parent her, but you can learn what works for her and make adjustments in your relationship.

Ask her to share her vision for how she wants to connect with you in your relationship. If she only chooses to be critical and maintains a passive victim stance, then it will be hard to have a mutually satisfying relationship. Instead, you’ll love her and hold space for the day when she can work with you instead of only criticizing you.

Stay open in your heart for any personal tutoring from your own self-awareness along with all of your relationships so you can show up for those you love. We all have blind spots and areas we can improve in our families and friendships. If she wants to grow with you, she’ll respond to your invitation to build something that helps both of you.