Q&A with Geoff: How Soon Should I Start Dating After My Spouse's Passing?

Question

I’ve heard about the time frames for refraining from relationships after a spouse has died. My husband passed away less than a month ago.

I’ve spent over three decades feeling alone and lonely. He wasn’t a nice man. I experienced love bombing, lies, betrayals and neglect. I was his caretaker the last decade of his life with his failing health.

These past few years I’ve learned a lot. I’ve taken control of my life. I’ve changed and I’m a better person for my experiences. I grieved the loss of my marriage years ago. I was able to forgive him and find happiness.

Now that he’s gone, I feel at peace. I feel liberated and excited for the future.

I want to date soon with the intention of finding my forever companion. I’m concerned this is going to be more difficult in my 50s and not wanting to fall into the same trap as my first marriage. I also wonder if there are single men with integrity. What advice can you provide?

Answer

I’m truly sorry for your loss and the complex emotions you are experiencing during this time. It’s a testament to your strength and resilience that you’re already looking forward with such optimism, despite the difficult relationship you’ve endured. I’m glad to hear that you have taken control of your life and found happiness. As you’ve already begun to heal, it’s understandable that you’re eager to find a partner who respects and values you. 

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to when you should begin dating again. That decision is personal and should be based on your emotional readiness. Society may prescribe certain time frames for mourning, but your experiences and your feelings are unique to you. Given that you have already been working through your feelings of grief and loneliness while your husband was alive, you may be ready to move forward sooner than others might.

However, it’s important to keep in mind that grief can manifest in unexpected ways and at unexpected times. It’s OK to take your time and allow yourself to fully process these feelings, even if they come up when you’ve begun to date again. In fact, this is often a surprise to those who begin dating after leaving a troubled marriage through death or divorce.

This is why it’s important to take your time. While you may be excited about the future, don’t rush into a new relationship. Allow yourself the space to explore and get to know potential partners before committing to anything serious. Take the time to evaluate their character, values and compatibility with your own.

It’s also worth considering working with a therapist who specializes in relationships and can provide guidance and support as you navigate the dating world. They can help you process your past experiences, identify patterns and develop healthy relationship skills. 

Concerning your second question, I can assure you that there are indeed single men with integrity out there. Your past experiences with your husband might have eroded your trust in others, but please don’t let this deter you.

Even though your lived experience in marriage taught you to mistrust men, I can assure you there are good single men with integrity. A relationship with someone who is committed to growth and learning is more important than being with someone who appears perfect.   

When it comes to avoiding a repeat of your first marriage, it’s important to remember the lessons you’ve learned from your past relationship. Identify red flags and know that it’s okay to set boundaries. Listen to your body, emotions, thoughts and the promptings of the Spirit. You will receive guidance in multiple ways. 

Finally, keep in mind that dating in your 50s can be a rich and fulfilling experience. There are many potential partners who are also looking for a meaningful relationship later in life. Being clear about your wants, needs and expectations can help guide you toward the right person. Your past experiences don’t define your future.

You have grown and learned from your previous marriage, and you now have the opportunity to create a healthier and happier relationship moving forward. Trust yourself, stay true to your values and be patient with the process. I wish you all the best in finding your forever companion.