Q&A with Geoff: How Can I Forgive Myself for Failing My Daughter?

Question

I filed for divorce a year ago after years and years of being in a controlling and abusive marriage. I found the strength to run.

Besides eventually finding out that my husband had a secret sexual addiction our entire marriage, my daughter, who is now an adult, has come to me telling me that my husband molested her five years ago.

I know that I must go to the police, and I am reporting it, but how do I accept that my entire marriage was a lie?

How do I forgive myself for failing my child?

Answer

I’m so terribly sorry to hear about what you and your daughter have experienced. While I’m grateful you have both found safety away from the abusive treatment, I also recognize that the reverberations of his choices will linger on for some time.

Thankfully, healing is possible for both you and your daughter.

1. The Blame You Feel Is Natural — But Misplaced

It’s understandable why you blame yourself for your daughter’s suffering. This is something all of us do as parents.

When we first meet our children in this life, we make an internal promise to protect them from harm. It’s easier when they’re small and constantly in our care. As they grow and experience pain, we often believe we could have prevented it.

2. You Are Not Responsible for His Abuse

The truth is that you aren’t responsible for what your ex-husband did to her. He is responsible for the choices he made to violate her.

If you had known and refused to act, that would be different. But he hid this from you. There was no way for you to protect her from something you didn’t know was happening.

It’s critical that you don’t confuse responsibility for this crime:

• It wasn’t your fault
• It wasn’t her fault
• It was his fault

There is a price to pay for his actions.

3. You Did Not Fail Her

You didn’t fail her because she eventually told you what happened.

You believed her, you reported the crime, and you are now in a position to help her get the support she needs.

You would have acted if you had known. Again, he made sure you didn’t know.

You were powerless at that time — but you are not powerless now.

4. You Were Also Living in Abuse

Please recognize that you were also a victim of his abuse.

He created an environment filled with:

• fear and control
• secrecy
• blame
• emotional instability

Living in an abusive relationship keeps you focused on survival. It becomes extremely difficult to slow down and fully see everything happening around you.

You likely felt overwhelmed and unable to think clearly at times. Despite that, you found the strength to leave and create safety.

You are now in a position to help her.

5. Focus on Supporting Her Healing

Your daughter will need your emotional support as she works through the aftermath of this abuse.

Make sure you are also getting support for yourself so you can be fully present for her.

If you stay caught in self-blame or self-defense, the focus shifts away from her. Remember, you didn’t cause this.

Turn your attention toward:

• comforting her
• believing her
• staying present with her
• supporting her healing process

6. Healing Is a Long-Term Process

You and your daughter can grow closer through this experience as you support each other and allow others to help you.

Healing from abuse is a:

• physical process
• emotional process
• spiritual process
• relational process

It takes time.

It’s understandable to want to carry all of this yourself to protect her, but you don’t have to do this alone.

As you support her, seek professional trauma care and allow trusted support systems to help you, you will begin to feel more hope and peace.

If This Question Feels Close to Home…

Depending on where you are right now, here are a few next steps that may help:

• Feeling stuck in repetitive thoughts or emotional loops?
👉 Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About It - a free guide to help calm your nervous system and interrupt painful mental spirals.

• Want to show up better for your partner but don’t know how?
👉 10 Ways to Support Your Partner - a free practical guide to help you build trust without adding pressure.

• Ready to take structured responsibility and rebuild trust step by step?
👉 The Trust Building Bootcamp - a 12-week self-guided course for the partner who broke trust and wants to repair it the right way.

• Looking to strengthen your marriage and family culture overall?
👉 Great Truths Course - a guided course to bring more peace, clarity, and unity into your home.

You don’t have to stay stuck. There are clear next steps available when you’re ready.