Q&A with Geoff: How Can I Get My Wife to Care about My Pain?
Question:
I’ve been married for a little over two years. At first, it was great, but then not long after we married, she started being on her phone pretty much any free time, and now it has become a distraction in our marriage. It’s to the point where when she goes to bed, she is constantly on it until sometimes two in the morning. I lay there alone and feel betrayed. I’ve also discovered that she talks to some of her ex-boyfriends on social media, which I’m not okay with.
How do I confront her in a nice way to have her put her phone away?
I’ve asked her if she can put her phone away when we go to bed, and she just plain says “nope” and continues like she’s addicted to her phone.
Answer
I see the hurt and confusion you’re experiencing in your new marriage.
Of course, it’s painful that she’s turning away from you in favor of her phone as well as contacting ex-boyfriends. However, it’s also concerning that your attempts to address these observations are disregarded.
It makes sense that you’re worried, so let’s talk about how to proceed.
1. Demands Won’t Solve This
You can certainly raise the intensity and make demands, but I’ve never found this to be a productive way to resolve anything in a relationship.
You’ve already asked her to do something different, and she’s refusing.
Instead of trying to force change, shift your approach.
2. Focus on Understanding, Not Control
I recommend you approach this situation by seeking to understand why she’s disregarding your concerns.
Instead of focusing on getting her to change her behavior, try to have a different kind of conversation:
- Why are your concerns being ignored?
- Why is your pain not being taken seriously?
Issues come and go in marriage, but caring about each other’s pain creates relationship safety.
3. Start With How You Feel
Your wife may not realize the extent of the impact her behavior is having on you.
Most people minimize how their actions affect those they love.
Start the conversation by expressing how you feel without attacking or accusing.
For example:
“I’m hurt by your response to my concerns with your phone use. Is there a reason you’re ignoring my pain?”
4. The Real Issue Isn’t the Phone
There are significant issues to discuss, but the real issue is her indifference to your pain.
If your attempts to get her to care about the impact on you go nowhere, this is important feedback about the state of your relationship.
Trying to talk about:
- the phone use
- the ex-boyfriend communication
won’t create real change until there is care and concern for your experience.
5. There May Be Something Behind Her Behavior
She might have reasons for turning away from you.
If she starts sharing, slow down and listen.
Her avoidance isn’t healthy, but it may be a signal that something isn’t working for her.
At the same time, these behaviors are serious:
- checking out on her phone
- talking with ex-boyfriends
These are red flags that shouldn’t be ignored.
6. If Nothing Changes
If she continues to push you away, see if she will agree to meet with a marriage counselor to help resolve the impasse.
If she refuses and continues to ignore you and your concerns, it may require more serious decisions.
Don’t hesitate to seek guidance and counseling for yourself.
You can’t change her or make her engage, but you can stay aligned with your values as you decide how to move forward.
If This Question Feels Close to Home…
Depending on where you are right now, here are a few next steps that may help:
• Feeling stuck in repetitive thoughts or emotional loops?
👉 Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About It - a free guide to help calm your nervous system and interrupt painful mental spirals.
• Want to show up better for your partner but don’t know how?
👉 10 Ways to Support Your Partner - a free practical guide to help you build trust without adding pressure.
• Ready to take structured responsibility and rebuild trust step by step?
👉 The Trust Building Bootcamp - a 12-week self-guided course for the partner who broke trust and wants to repair it the right way.
• Looking to strengthen your marriage and family culture overall?
👉 Great Truths Course - a guided course to bring more peace, clarity, and unity into your home.
You don’t have to stay stuck. There are clear next steps available when you’re ready.
