Q&A with Geoff: How Can I Know My Husband is Telling Me the Truth?

Question:

What would you say the difference is between being honest and being transparent? My friend’s husband has had a very bad pornography problem, cheated on her multiple times, lost his job, and created other problems for  them.    

Even though he says h e is being honest about situations and not lying, he doesn’t give details or offer information. He just wants her to take his word. I was trying to explain being totally transparent with her. She can’t seem to get her husband to understand that he needs to be open about things that are simple. 

For example:

• She would like to know where he spends his time.

• She wants to know where he is and what he’s doing.

He thinks it’s silly and has nothing to do with being open and honest. I’ve dealt with my husband breaking my trust in the past, and he’s been willing to tell me everything, which helped us heal. Don’t you need transparency along with honesty?

Answer:

Honesty and transparency are the same thing. When a relationship is safe and secure, it’s easy to take our partner’s word as truth and give them the benefit of the doubt. Healthy relationships are naturally transparent. They operate on the basis of “what you see is what you get.” 

Windows vs. Walls

Affair researcher and author Shirley Glass taught that healthy couples build windows between them instead of walls. There should be no walls in a marriage relationship. When we have secrets from our partners, we are manipulating their reality by not letting them make fully informed decisions. It’s a form of abuse and control to keep someone in the  dark.  

Full transparency, on the other hand, is complete consecration in the marriage. It’s true unity. If we aren’t sharing information with our partner that they deserve to know, we aren’t reconciled to them. In other words, we don’t have a marriage. 

The Banking Analogy

 Take, for instance, our bank accounts:   

•  When we reconcile our bank statement with our records, we are making sure everything matches.   

•  If something doesn’t match, we have to spend the time and energy to get to  the truth about what happened.  

Likewise, we should always be reconciled with our spouses to ensure both partners always have the same information. 

How Trust is Earned

When trust has been broken through secrets, infidelity, or other betrayals, the unfaithful partner has the responsibility to increase their transparency by continually reassuring the partner of their honesty.   

Trust is earned through multiple experiences of seeing a perfect match between words and actions.   If something doesn’t match, it needs to be accounted for and repaired. If an unfaithful person demands the injured party simply believe them without having to provide transparency, they  will never restore trust in that relationship. 

The Need for Evidence

It’s perfectly reasonable for a betrayed partner to seek evidence that she’s not being duped. She should have full access to any information that would help her believe and trust.

• Early Stages: Physical evidence is often the only way a relationship can be repaired.

•  Long-term: If trust is fully restored (which can take years), the betrayed partner won’t require as much proof.  

Everything has to match for trust to be restored. If he says one thing and does another, trust won’t be restored, regardless of the importance of the situation. Exactness matters to the betrayed partner. Any deviation from the truth will open up suspicion that there are more secrets and lies.  

Conclusion

When we can see through something that is transparent, the truth is right in front of us. Since it’s difficult to prove he’s NOT doing something wrong, it’s essential for him to go out of his way to show he’s being honest. If he has nothing to  hide, then he shouldn’t have an issue with his wife wanting more information. In fact, he would go out of his way to make it easy for her to see everything he’s doing. 

If This Question Feels Close to Home…

Depending on where you are right now, here are a few next steps that may help:

• Feeling stuck in repetitive thoughts or emotional loops?
👉 Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About It  - a free guide to help calm your nervous system and interrupt painful mental spirals.

• Want to show up better for your partner but don’t know how?
👉 10 Ways to Support Your Partner  - a free practical guide to help you build trust without adding pressure.

• Ready to take structured responsibility and rebuild trust step by step?
👉 The Trust Building Bootcamp  - a 12-week self-guided course for the partner who broke trust and wants to repair it the right way.

• Looking to strengthen your marriage and family culture overall?
👉 Great Truths Course  - a guided course to bring more peace, clarity, and unity into your home.

You don’t have to stay stuck. There are clear next steps available when you’re ready.