Q&A with Geoff: How Do I Desire Affection Again from My Husband?
Question
My husband and I have been married for 35 years.
For many years our sex life was one where I felt forced to do it out of duty.
It caused me to feel violated and now I don’t even want any affection from him.
I will still do it out of duty, but he knows I don’t really want to, and he doesn’t want it that way.
He says now that he is sorry for acting that way all those years and doesn’t want to do that to me anymore.
But now I am having a hard time trusting him and believing that he won’t do it again.
I can’t seem to bring back the desire to receive his affection.
Instead, I still feel violated when he is affectionate with me.
How can I get those affectionate feelings back?
Answer
I’m glad to hear that you both want to elevate your sexual relationship beyond the scripted and disconnected experience it’s been for both of you over the years.
Yes, it’s been emotionally painful to feel obligated and to have your husband unaware of your experience.
At the same time, you now have a husband who wants to get it right with you, which will make all the difference as you both work together to rekindle trust and desire.
Interrupting Old Patterns
My guess is that when you say you’re worried he’ll do “it” again, you’re referring to him slipping back into the automatic pattern of pressuring you to engage sexually regardless of the emotional state of the relationship.
If that’s the case, then both of you can agree to actively protect the relationship from falling back into those familiar patterns.
If you begin noticing old feelings of entitlement or pressure returning, I encourage you to speak up immediately.
You don’t need to be harsh or accusatory. You can simply bring it up as an observation so both of you can look at it together.
Since your husband appears remorseful and willing to change, these conversations can help both of you stay conscious and connected instead of slipping into old dynamics.
You Were Both Part of the Dynamic
It’s also important for you to recognize your own participation in this pattern so you don’t remain trapped feeling like a helpless victim of his advances.
You adopted the belief that sex was your “duty” and continued participating in physical intimacy even when emotional intimacy was missing.
This doesn’t excuse his lack of awareness or sensitivity.
However, neither of you created this dynamic alone.
You both fell into roles, expectations, and habits that slowly disconnected you from authentic intimacy.
That means both of you now have the opportunity to create something healthier together.
Rebuilding Safety Through Non-Sexual Touch
Thankfully, old patterns can be interrupted when both people intentionally work toward a more emotionally connected experience.
One important step is shifting away from the idea that touch must automatically lead to intercourse.
Right now, your body and mind understandably associate affection with obligation and pressure.
You both may need to retrain your nervous systems to experience touch as safe, comforting, and emotionally connecting instead of demanding.
This means focusing intentionally on non-sexual touch for a period of time.
For example:
- holding hands
- sitting close together
- hugging
- gentle physical affection
- touch without expectation
The goal is not to eventually “earn” sex through these behaviors.
The goal is to rebuild trust and safety around physical closeness itself.
Touch Exists on a Continuum
Physical intimacy exists on a continuum ranging from simple touch all the way to sexual intercourse.
It’s important that both of you feel free to move anywhere on that continuum without pressure or obligation.
If certain forms of touch currently feel overwhelming or activating to you, then communicate that clearly.
Ask him to interact physically in ways that feel emotionally safe and manageable right now.
As safety grows, you can slowly increase closeness while continuing to give honest feedback about what feels connecting and what does not.
Teach him what you enjoy and what helps you feel emotionally secure.
Invite him to share his experience as well.
You Are Both Learning Something New
There is nothing wrong with taking a temporary break from sexual intercourse while you both focus on rebuilding emotional and physical safety.
This may be an opportunity for both of you to consciously design a new kind of physical relationship instead of continuing to replay an old one that left both of you disconnected.
My belief is that neither of you fully learned how to create mutually safe, emotionally connected physical intimacy.
Your husband may have been acting out a prescribed role just as much as you were.
Now you both have the opportunity to slow down, become more emotionally aware, and intentionally create a relationship where affection, safety, trust, and desire can coexist.
If This Question Feels Close to Home…
Depending on where you are right now, here are a few next steps that may help:
• Feeling stuck in repetitive thoughts or emotional loops?
👉 Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About It - a free guide to help calm your nervous system and interrupt painful mental spirals.
• Want to show up better for your partner but don’t know how?
👉 10 Ways to Support Your Partner - a free practical guide to help you build trust without adding pressure.
• Ready to take structured responsibility and rebuild trust step by step?
👉 The Trust Building Bootcamp - a 12-week self-guided course for the partner who broke trust and wants to repair it the right way.
• Looking to strengthen your marriage and family culture overall?
👉 Great Truths Course - a guided course to bring more peace, clarity, and unity into your home.
You don’t have to stay stuck. There are clear next steps available when you’re ready.
