Q&A with Geoff: My Adoptive Son’s Enthusiasm for His Birth Family is Hurtful to Us

Question

I am an adoptive mom. My husband and I have adopted five children, who are all adults now.

My concern is one of my sons, who recently turned 40.

The birth mother of this son contacted him two years ago. She wants to make up for the time she lost with him after she placed him for adoption as an infant.

I have met the birth mother and find her to be a smothery person. On occasion, we all meet at my son’s home during family gatherings when she comes into town. My son often goes out of state to spend time with her and her family.

My husband and I are beginning to feel left out.

This year, he spent Mother’s Day weekend with her. For Father’s Day, he went to meet his birth father’s dad, who is ill.

My son suggested alternative things we could do with him and his family instead of our usual Mother’s and Father’s Day activities.

My husband and I find we are uncertain what is the best way to deal with this situation.

We don’t want to alienate our son, but our feelings are hurt by his enthusiasm for his birth family. It is beginning to feel that he is drifting away from our family and us.

He is also becoming very critical of his siblings and their lives.

Can you make any suggestions to help us to handle this situation?

Answer

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to see your son energetically connecting with his birth parents and their extended family.

This is especially painful because you’ve been the ones who spent the past forty years loving, supporting, and caring for him.

Even though your hurt feelings are completely understandable, I want to help you see this situation clearly enough to preserve the relationship between you and your son.

Your Relationship With Him Is Not Being Replaced

You cannot be replaced by anyone.

You are his parents.

His entire survival depended on you from the day he arrived in your care. The attachments to you and your family run deep and won’t suddenly disappear because he is building relationships with his biological family.

Right now, it may feel threatening and painful, but his desire to know his biological family is not necessarily a rejection of you.

Why Adopted Children Often Seek Connection

It’s common for adopted children to feel a strong desire to connect with their biological families.

They naturally want to understand:

• where they came from
• who they resemble
• what parts of their story were missing

Many also carry a deep longing to heal or better understand the primal wound of separation from their biological parents.

Some adopted children feel this intensely, while others do not. But please know this longing is often about identity and closure, not about replacing the parents who raised them.

Be Careful Not to Create a Loyalty Split

You can’t stop him from building these relationships, but you can unintentionally create distance if he feels guilt, pressure, or emotional punishment for exploring them.

Please be careful not to send the message that he is betraying you by spending time with his biological family.

Even subtle reactions of jealousy, hurt, or resentment can make him feel trapped between two worlds.

The more he feels forced to choose, the more strained the relationship may become.

Stay Curious Instead of Defensive

I encourage you to stay curious about what he is discovering.

Ask him:

• what he’s learning about his biological family
• what these experiences have been like for him
• how reconnecting has affected him emotionally

This is a time to expand, not shrink.

The more supported he feels by you, the safer it will feel for him to stay emotionally connected to everyone he loves.

Try to make room for these new relationships without fault-finding or criticizing his biological family out of fear or jealousy.

This May Affect the Entire Family

Your other adopted children may also have strong reactions to these developments depending on their own experiences and feelings surrounding adoption.

Some may feel:

• sadness
• joy
• jealousy
• anger
• confusion

It may be helpful to gently check in with each of them and create space for honest conversations about how these family changes are affecting everyone.

He Has Not Forgotten You

Your son is clearly aware of your feelings and is trying, in his own imperfect way, to stay inclusive and sensitive to your desire to remain close to him.

He has not forgotten you or what you’ve done for him.

This may actually become an important growth opportunity for your entire family as you learn how to include the people who are important to him while still honoring the deep bonds you already share.

If This Question Feels Close to Home…

Depending on where you are right now, here are a few next steps that may help:

• Feeling stuck in repetitive thoughts or emotional loops?
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• Want to show up better for your partner but don’t know how?
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