Q&A with Geoff: My Adult Children Don’t Want My Homeless Ex-Con Son to Live in My Home

Question

My 38 year-old son has been homeless for 7-8 years, off and on drugs, spent some time in prison for domestic violence.

He has been in touch with our family for the past year or so and seems to be trying to talk “nice”.

He needs a place to live.

I think he needs a place to live where a strong person can insist on:

• daily showers
• counseling
• medical and mental evaluation
• exercise
• healthy meals

As his mother, I could be that person.

My other children say NO and would be very careful about contact with me if it gave him access to them.

It would end family dinners, grandkids spending the night at my house, and visits from my other kids. And, I might not be able to go to their houses either.

That right there should answer my question and make my decision for me, right?

But how do I reconcile the parable of the good Samaritan, etc.? How can I turn my back on my son’s pleas for help?

Answer

Your children are looking to you to somehow meet their competing needs for justice and mercy.

Your heart aches for the son who has fallen on hard times and, at the same time, you can hear the concerns of your other children who are worried about the safety and stability of their own families.

This situation requires hearts that are both soft and wise.

Mercy Doesn’t Always Mean Bringing Him Into Your Home

You clearly love your son and want to help him get back on his feet.

However, I worry that out of compassion for him, you may be overestimating how helpful you can realistically be by having him move into your home.

I don’t believe it’s a good idea to have him live with you right now.

Having adult children move back home is often difficult even without addiction, legal issues, homelessness, or violence in the history.

Your other children are depending on you to maintain stable and safe conditions for their families.

If they don’t feel those conditions exist, they will naturally create distance in order to protect their own children.

Trust Has Not Yet Been Rebuilt

Your son has clearly crossed serious lines that have damaged trust within the family.

Even though he is trying to reconnect and speak kindly, kindness alone is not the same thing as accountability.

Before you could even consider inviting him into your home, there are important questions to ask:

• Does he fully understand how his actions affected the family?
• Is he willing to take responsibility for the damage?
• Does he understand why his siblings feel unsafe?
• Is he willing to do the long-term work required to rebuild trust?

If he is not yet accountable for the impact of his choices, then he is not ready to live in your home.

You Can Still Help Him

Not allowing him to move in does not mean you are abandoning him.

Mercy can take many different forms besides offering a roof over his head.

You may still be able to support him by helping coordinate:

• treatment programs
• counseling
• medical care
• housing resources
• transportation
• healthy boundaries and accountability

You can love him deeply while also recognizing that your home may not currently be the healthiest place for him or for the rest of your family.

Healing Requires Accountability and Stability

Your son absolutely can change.

But lasting change usually happens when someone develops insight into the impact of their choices and willingly works to repair the damage they have caused.

If he becomes humble, accountable, and committed to rebuilding trust, he will likely better understand why his siblings are hesitant right now.

This could become an important opportunity for him to seek professional help and begin building a more stable life.

As greater stability and accountability develop, it may eventually become easier for relationships within the family to slowly heal.

If This Question Feels Close to Home…

Depending on where you are right now, here are a few next steps that may help:

• Feeling stuck in repetitive thoughts or emotional loops?
👉 Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About It - a free guide to help calm your nervous system and interrupt painful mental spirals.

• Want to show up better for your partner but don’t know how?
👉 10 Ways to Support Your Partner - a free practical guide to help you build trust without adding pressure.

• Ready to take structured responsibility and rebuild trust step by step?
👉 The Trust Building Bootcamp - a 12-week self-guided course for the partner who broke trust and wants to repair it the right way.

• Looking to strengthen your marriage and family culture overall?
👉 Great Truths Course - a guided course to bring more peace, clarity, and unity into your home.

You don’t have to stay stuck. There are clear next steps available when you’re ready.