Q&A with Geoff: My Daughter Keeps Sneaking Inappropriate Books

Question:

My 14-year-old daughter reads voraciously and has had problems once or twice in the past with reading inappropriate sexual books without telling me. Eventually, I found out and talked to her about it, although she wasn’t very open. We came up with the rule that I would read any young adult books she checked out first to make sure they were okay, since it seems many books in that category have sexual and other inappropriate stuff.

Recently, she checked out a bunch of books she had found recommended online (which were young adult) and I’m pretty sure she read them all the way through before I did, but then told me they weren’t appropriate “because of swearing” and that she’d stopped reading them.

When I skimmed through them, there was NOT just swearing; there was also:

• Disturbing sexual content (rape, attempted rape, groping)

• Casual sex and drinking

• Eating disorders and suicide

I feel sick just having skimmed through them! I have talked with her multiple times about being able to talk to me about anything, but she remains fairly private and closed. I find it especially frightening that it seems she is hiding this.

How do I respond so she will not be shamed and will trust me while at the same time help keep her safe? * Do I tell her she’s earned a consequence for breaking the rule?

• Do I tell her I know what was actually in those books?

• Do I ignore it and continue to remind her she can talk to me?

Answer:

This battle of the books has reached a stalemate and the biggest casualty is going to be the loss of your relationship with your daughter. I recommend you slow things down and approach things in a different way.

1. Validating Your Concerns

First, there is nothing wrong with you having concerns about the content of the books. Parents have the right to protect their children from material that isn’t age-appropriate and contradicts the values they’re trying to instill. We do this all the time with movies, television, and the Internet. Books are no exception.

2. Testing Boundaries vs. Seeking Information

What if it’s less about the books and more about an adolescent testing boundaries? This is nothing abnormal or to be feared. However, it's also possible she is seeking answers she isn't finding elsewhere.

That she told you there was "swearing" in the books may simply be that she was uncomfortable talking with you about the more serious and disturbing subjects covered. She may be seeking out taboo topics because:

• She is not getting answers with candor from a safe resource.

• She is embarrassed to talk about these things with you.

• She sees her friends maturing faster and feels anxious about upcoming milestones (like a "first kiss").

• She is observing peers with body image issues or eating disorders.

3. Opening the Door to Conversation

Sit down with her and acknowledge that you’ve read over the books. Let her know that you see how much she wants to read them and that you want to understand more about what draws her to them.

Key Approach: This isn’t an interrogation. It’s a way to understand the emotional world of your daughter.

If you can demystify the subjects rather than just place them off-limits, the secret discoveries she is coming across will lose their power. You can normalize the fact that these themes bring up powerful emotions and physical reactions that may be new for her. She’s not doing anything wrong by feeling these emotions.

4. Addressing the Agreement

If it is a matter of your daughter testing limits, you could most certainly punish her for hiding the books, but I think it’s a better use of your parental authority to look beyond the hiding.

By addressing why it was important enough to her to break an agreement, you are still sending the message that you're not okay with the deception, but you aren't ending the discussion with a simple punishment.

5. Building Long-term Trust

I wonder if she’s hiding these from you because she believes you’ll think less of her if you know she enjoys reading them.

• Use this as a chance to connect about what she’s worried you’ll think of her.

• Start with listening.

• Impart your values as you discuss what she’s going through.

Make the environment safe for her to talk about what draws her to these kinds of books—is it the content, or is it more about crossing the limits you have set?

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