Q&A with Geoff: My Ex-Husband is Playing Games with His Visitation
Question:
I’m a single mom and have been divorced for two years. I share custody with my ex-husband, and he takes the kids for visits at different times throughout the month.
Although we have a schedule, he is completely inconsiderate of:
- my work schedule
- the kids’ schedules
In other words, he only wants to be flexible when it benefits him, but not when we need flexibility.
Sometimes he’ll call and say that he’s early and wants to get the kids, even though I don’t have them packed yet. He’ll accuse me of being a bad mom and not having the kids ready to see their dad.
He’ll send them home missing clothes, and then I have to buy more to replace them.
I don’t want to put my kids in the middle of this, but I feel like I need to stand up to him when he’s so rude and disrespectful.
I want to know if there is anything I can do to get more cooperation out of him without making things worse for the kids.
Answer:
You can’t let your ex-husband steal your peace.
Even though this is completely frustrating and aggravating, you can establish rules for yourself about how you’ll respond to his childish behaviors.
1. Don’t Engage in the Tug-of-War
Think about what he may be getting out of these behaviors:
- Does he get a reaction out of you that he likes?
- Does engaging you do something for him?
The best way to end a tug-of-war is to drop the rope instead of pulling harder.
You don’t need to engage with him to make him stop.
2. Focus on Your Response, Not Controlling Him
You can spend lots of energy and money taking him back to court to tighten up the rules about visitation.
However, it’s likely he’ll find new ways to annoy you if that’s his goal.
Instead, focus on your responses so you’re not becoming someone you don’t like.
3. Hold Clear, Simple Boundaries
When he shows up early and demands the kids, there is nothing wrong with reminding him that his visitation begins at the designated time.
Keep on schedule so the kids know what to expect.
If clothes don’t come back, think about how the best version of you would respond.
You might say:
“Will you please remember to return all of the kids' clothes or replace the ones that come up missing?”
He may not change, but you can continue to set the expectation.
4. Protect Your Mental Space
I don’t recommend spending extra time complaining to family and friends about his behavior.
This keeps him front and center in your mind and continues to steal your peace.
If you need support:
- Talk with a counselor to help you respond in healthy ways
If you’re handling things with him directly and clearly, there may be less need to process it with others.
5. Your Peace Is the Priority
Your peace is the most important thing you can give your children after your divorce.
They need to feel they have a stable foundation.
You don’t have to suppress frustration and irritation. Instead, let those feelings teach you:
- where your boundaries are being crossed
- where you need to adjust your response
As Wally Goddard often says, “Irritation is an invitation.”
It’s an invitation to understand your reactions and maintain a calm, balanced environment for your children — even when your ex-husband’s behavior creates disruption.
If This Question Feels Close to Home…
Depending on where you are right now, here are a few next steps that may help:
• Feeling stuck in repetitive thoughts or emotional loops?
👉 Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About It - a free guide to help calm your nervous system and interrupt painful mental spirals.
• Want to show up better for your partner but don’t know how?
👉 10 Ways to Support Your Partner - a free practical guide to help you build trust without adding pressure.
• Ready to take structured responsibility and rebuild trust step by step?
👉 The Trust Building Bootcamp - a 12-week self-guided course for the partner who broke trust and wants to repair it the right way.
• Looking to strengthen your marriage and family culture overall?
👉 Great Truths Course - a guided course to bring more peace, clarity, and unity into your home.
You don’t have to stay stuck. There are clear next steps available when you’re ready.
