Q&A with Geoff: Should I Give Up on My Recent Marriage?
Question
My husband and I just got married seven months ago. He recently told me that he believes he is still in love with his ex-girlfriend that he dated for two years.
He says that he thinks we need to get a divorce and that it would be better for me in the long run because he doesn’t think that he is the guy for me.
I love my husband very much and I know he is the one for me. I want my marriage to conquer this and for us to become stronger than before.
I just need help knowing if my decision to keep trying for my marriage is right and how to start this path.
Answer
This is a painful turn of events for your brand-new marriage. I’m guessing you didn’t see this coming, so please recognize that it’s difficult to make clear decisions when you’re in a state of shock.
You’re hearing something that betrays the promises you made to each other, which makes it hard to reconcile your new reality with the life you were living.
1. Give Yourself Time to Process the Shock
When something traumatic like this happens, it’s completely normal to immediately deny the reality that is placed directly in front of you.
It’s a survival instinct that protects us from a complete breakdown. Even if you don’t feel it right away, denial can show up later as you try to process what’s happened.
Don’t dismiss it and pretend it didn’t happen. Give it time to sink in so you can base your reactions on reality instead of denial.
2. Take Care of Your Body
The shock you’ve experienced is physically punishing to your body.
You’ve probably noticed disruptions in:
- eating habits
- sleep patterns
- body tension
When you experience an emotional threat, your body responds to protect you. Unless you calm these physical responses, it’s harder to think clearly and make grounded decisions.
Dr. Jill Manning has developed helpful self-care tools to help regulate these stress responses.
3. Seek to Understand His Decision
You didn’t change your commitment to your husband, so it makes sense that you still love him and want this to work.
It’s worth doing everything you can to understand whether he truly wants to leave.
Invite him to open up about how he arrived at this decision.
Focus on:
- listening more than talking
- understanding his reasoning
- allowing him to fully explain himself
The burden is on him to explain, since he is the one wanting to exit the marriage.
Avoid:
- pressuring him to stay
- making threats
- becoming emotionally reactive to force him to stay
4. Recognize What His Honesty Means
I don’t want to minimize your pain, but it’s worth noting that even though he’s choosing to break your marriage, he is sparing you from years of gaslighting and manipulation.
His honesty right now is devastating, but it may be less damaging than staying in a marriage where there is no true commitment.
You both have a responsibility to be honest about your level of commitment.
If he is telling you his commitment level is zero, you are now facing a very difficult decision.
5. You Can’t Force a Relationship
Ultimately, you need to decide whether to accept what he is telling you or continue fighting for what you believed the marriage could be.
I’m the last person to give up on a marriage, but if he is not willing to stay and work on it, you have to honor his agency.
Be wise about how much you try to force connection.
The person with the least amount of interest will ultimately determine how connected you are as a couple.
6. Take Care of Yourself Moving Forward
Regardless of where this leads, make sure you continue to take care of yourself and seek support.
Whether he stays or leaves, you will need help processing:
- grief
- shock
- emotional upheaval
Give yourself time and permission to heal from this betrayal.
If This Question Feels Close to Home…
Depending on where you are right now, here are a few next steps that may help:
• Feeling stuck in repetitive thoughts or emotional loops?
👉 Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About It - a free guide to help calm your nervous system and interrupt painful mental spirals.
• Want to show up better for your partner but don’t know how?
👉 10 Ways to Support Your Partner - a free practical guide to help you build trust without adding pressure.
• Ready to take structured responsibility and rebuild trust step by step?
👉 The Trust Building Bootcamp - a 12-week self-guided course for the partner who broke trust and wants to repair it the right way.
• Looking to strengthen your marriage and family culture overall?
👉 Great Truths Course - a guided course to bring more peace, clarity, and unity into your home.
You don’t have to stay stuck. There are clear next steps available when you’re ready.
