Q&A with Geoff: How Do I Know When Enough is Enough in My Abusive Marriage?
Question:
I know this is an impossible question to answer. I have been married for 25 years and there has been a lot of emotional and verbal abuse towards both our children and me. While my husband has done better in the last 5 years in regard to his treatment of the younger children, he still says things like:
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“Why are you so stupid”
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“You don’t deserve anything”
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calls them “lazy”
Also, things have been pretty awful in the way he interacts with me.
A few weeks ago, when I was gone for a few minutes, he hit them with a belt — hard enough to leave bruises. And he told them not to talk to me about what happened because he knew that I was not okay with any kind of spanking with a belt. For me, it was the last straw, and I left with the kids. He is, of course, trying to convince me to go back. He is saying all the right things — that he is sorry, that he will do whatever is needed. But I have heard it all before. We have gone through this cycle before, and I don’t think I can put myself through it again. The boys want to go back to be with their friends, and they still love him. In their minds, what happened was not enough to warrant breaking up the family, but it isn’t just about this one incident. It is years of pain and heartache and building up walls to protect my heart. We tried counseling twice, and he stopped going after three or four sessions each time. I know I have made my fair share of mistakes and have hurt him a lot, but I just get a pit in my stomach at the thought of going back.
So how do I know when it is okay to walk away? Should I listen to his family who are convinced that it is different this time and to give him one more chance? I read quotes about not going back to abusive situations, but my son has also sent me quotes about forgiveness and second chances. Although this would be way more than a second chance. How do I know when I have done enough and given enough chances?
Answer:
I don’t believe this is an impossible question to answer.
You’re entitled to receive direction for yourself and your children, especially when there’s been abuse. Even though professionals and loved ones can provide observations and share best practices for responding to abuse, you can decide how to lead yourself and your family to safety.
What you’re describing is serious and shouldn’t be minimized. His behavior isn’t a one-time mistake that can quickly be corrected with an apology. Abusive treatment of loved ones is driven by a deep belief system that, unless confronted and changed, will continue to destroy peace and safety at home.
1. Safety Comes First
Your safety and your children’s safety is top priority.
Has this most recent incident with the bruising been reported to the authorities? It’s important for you to protect your children by holding him accountable for injuring your children physically and psychologically. Check with your local authorities to understand your responsibilities for reporting this behavior. You did the right thing by removing your children so he can’t physically hurt them anymore. Now, it’s time to do the essential work of creating accountability so your children know this behavior will no longer be tolerated.
If you need help and support knowing how to move forward with this, please contact:
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National Domestic Violence Hotline — https://www.thehotline.org
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1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
2. Abuse Often Gets Minimized
Most people who are being abused minimize the seriousness of the abuse and hesitate to get help. They often hesitate because they believe they’ll make things worse. However, setting limits and reporting the abuse isn’t making things worse. It’s making things better for those who have been victimized.
The abusive behaviors are what made things worse.
Please don’t allow this to be flipped around so you’re blaming yourself for taking protective action. In fact, that’s one of the first tactics abusive individuals take when they’re held accountable — they blame the victim for taking measures to protect themselves.
Recognize that you’re only responding to the lines that have already been crossed.
3. This Is About Behavior, Not His Worth
This isn’t an attack on your husband’s character.
Of course he has good and redeeming qualities. I’m sure there are moments he shows up for you and the children. No one is all good or all bad. Instead, this is about his behavior. He has behaved in ways that cannot continue if you want a safe and healthy home environment.
Based on what you described, these behaviors include:
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He physically assaulted your children and left bruises
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He called them names and verbally attacked their character
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He diminished them as individuals
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He tried to isolate them from getting help
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He told them to keep secrets from you
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He gaslighted them
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He recruited family members to pressure you
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He focused on your behavior instead of his own
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He dropped out of treatment
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He dismissed your fear and discomfort
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He pushed for forgiveness before repairing trust
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He showed little compassion for the impact on you and the children
I don’t list these to condemn him.
I list these to help you see that a simple apology will not undo serious patterns.
4. Your Responsibility Is Protection
The children also deserve accountability and safety, even though they don’t understand what’s happening.
You have to show them what is okay and what is not okay in a family.
Your job is to protect them even when they don’t realize they are being hurt.
Abuse can feel normal to everyone in the home until you get distance from it.
This is why it makes you sick to think about going back.
5. Walking Away From Patterns, Not Just a Marriage
While I can’t tell you when you should walk away from the marriage, I can tell you that walking away from unsafe patterns and providing outside accountability are essential for your safety and sanity. Nothing will change if these harmful patterns are minimized or ignored.
True love is not allowing someone to continue hurting those they claim to love. He not only betrayed you and the children, but also betrayed his own values of protecting and caring for his family.
Continue to seek professional support for yourself so you can know how to navigate the protective work you need to do. If he continues to blame you and deny responsibility, you will need ongoing support to help you see clearly and respond wisely.
If This Question Feels Close to Home…
Depending on where you are right now, here are a few next steps that may help:
• Feeling stuck in repetitive thoughts or emotional loops?
👉 Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About It - a free guide to help calm your nervous system and interrupt painful mental spirals.
• Want to show up better for your partner but don’t know how?
👉 10 Ways to Support Your Partner - a free practical guide to help you build trust without adding pressure.
• Ready to take structured responsibility and rebuild trust step by step?
👉 The Trust Building Bootcamp - a 12-week self-guided course for the partner who broke trust and wants to repair it the right way.
• Looking to strengthen your marriage and family culture overall?
👉 Great Truths Course - a guided course to bring more peace, clarity, and unity into your home.
You don’t have to stay stuck. There are clear next steps available when you’re ready.
