Q&A with Geoff: My Ex-Husband Ignores Our Granddaughters in Favor of Our Grandsons

q&a with geoff

Question:

I was married in 1973, had three children, and later learned that he was cheating on me for the last 15 years of our marriage. I divorced him and he eventually married the lady that he last cheated with. At first, his new wife tried to win over my children. I told my children that they need to try to get along for their dad’s sake, and they did. But she now has little to nothing to do with the kids.

Our only son passed away over ten years ago. He and his father were very close; more like brothers than father and son. They also ran a very successful business together. Since my son’s death, my ex-husband spends almost all of his spare time with my son’s two sons. He ignores my son’s daughter. He spends no time at all with our two daughters, nor their children! The girls don’t like their dad anymore. They refuse to call him or spend time with him because he has hurt them so badly. They also have evidence that he’s cheating on his current wife.

What can I say to my girls, to help them feel better, or at least help them understand and accept their dad’s choice to ignore them and their children? It hurts me to see how their relationships have deteriorated because they were very close to their dad prior to the divorce. The saddest thing of all is that while raising our kids, their dad ALWAYS preached to the kids that “Family is all that matters in this life.” I am so sad.

Answer

You’ve experienced tremendous losses in your family, so I can only imagine how difficult it is to see these losses extend to your daughters and grandchildren.

Even though your daughters are grown women with families of their own, the longing to have a secure relationship with their dad doesn’t automatically diminish with age.

While you’re unable to change your ex-husband, you can be a source of support and strength to your children and grandchildren.

1. You Can’t Control His Choices

I see how powerless you feel to ensure that your children and grandchildren experience love and connection from him.

Indeed, it is sad that your ex-husband isn’t willing to practice what he preaches about the importance of family.

I’m not sure what you believe your daughters need to understand about their father. It appears that they aren’t fooled by his double-speak and are acting accordingly. They already know through their lived experiences that he’s not prioritizing all of his family equally.

2. Acceptance Is Different From Understanding

Acceptance isn’t the same as understanding.

Your daughters understand enough of what’s happening to set limits and protect their hearts. However, acceptance takes more time. It’s a slower process of integrating and reconciling:

the reality of the situation
longings from the past
hopes for the future

This gentle letting go happens differently for everyone, but the outcome is often similar.

We become less reactive, more peaceful, and are no longer tortured by the person or event that previously consumed us.

3. Start With Your Own Acceptance

If you want to be helpful to your daughters, ask yourself if you’ve done your own acceptance work around the losses in your family.

When you think or talk about them:

Do you become emotionally reactive?
Do you feel like you need to convince others that you’ve been wronged?
Do you have difficulty regulating how long you talk about it?
Do you stay preoccupied with his choices and behaviors?

If you’re still struggling with these things, then it’s important for you to direct your attention toward your own healing.

As your daughters and grandchildren experience your acceptance, it will invite them into their own process of healing.

4. What Acceptance Work Looks Like

Acceptance work starts with recognizing the difference between the things we can and cannot influence.

For example:

Are there things you or your daughters need to say to your ex-husband?
Are there additional limits that need to be set?
Are there additional attempts at reconciliation that have not yet happened?

If your daughters have truly exhausted every possible option to reengage him in their lives, then they can rest knowing that the outcome is no longer in their hands.

There is great peace in this realization.

5. Acceptance Opens the Door to Compassion

They can have compassion for their pain.
They can have compassion for the missed opportunities with their children.
They can also have compassion for the pain their father and grandfather is experiencing.

Acceptance opens up compassion for everyone.

Compassion doesn’t mean they shouldn’t feel sadness and loss.
It means they allow themselves to feel the pain of the losses while also honoring his choices and consequences.

There is no longer an internal battle filled with:

resentment
rumination
revenge

6. Your Role as a Mother

This work is deeply sacred and personal.

While you can’t direct this process for your daughters, you can teach them what you’ve learned and what you’re learning as you do your own acceptance work.

Their connection to you will become even stronger as you hold space for them while they grieve these painful losses and move toward peace.

If This Question Feels Close to Home…

Depending on where you are right now, here are a few next steps that may help:

• Feeling stuck in repetitive thoughts or emotional loops?
👉 Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About It - a free guide to help calm your nervous system and interrupt painful mental spirals.

• Want to show up better for your partner but don’t know how?
👉 10 Ways to Support Your Partner - a free practical guide to help you build trust without adding pressure.

• Ready to take structured responsibility and rebuild trust step by step?
👉 The Trust Building Bootcamp - a 12-week self-guided course for the partner who broke trust and wants to repair it the right way.

• Looking to strengthen your marriage and family culture overall?
👉 Great Truths Course - a guided course to bring more peace, clarity, and unity into your home.

You don’t have to stay stuck. There are clear next steps available when you’re ready.