Q&A with Geoff: Should I Keep Trying to Communicate with My Absentee Husband?

q&a with geoff

Question

My spouse of almost four years moved out a couple of months ago.

We went on a scheduled vacation together two weeks after he moved out and had an amazing time. We really reconnected and even talked about our future together.

He felt we both needed counseling in order to work out some issues we had together and I agreed.

This past week my mom passed away and, of course, I have been an emotional wreck.

I asked him to come see me the other day and he said he would. Not only did he not come see me, but he also isn’t answering my calls or texts.

I feel completely abandoned by him.

I don’t know what to do. Do I continue trying to contact him or do I back off and let him come to me?

Answer

First of all, I’m terribly sorry to hear of your mother’s passing. The timing of all these events is tragic, to say the least.

Not only are you grieving the loss of your mother, you’re now dealing with the ambiguous loss of your husband.

You’re in a vulnerable situation and are naturally looking for comfort. The painful irony is that the person who would normally be your greatest source of comfort is now becoming your greatest source of pain.

1. Pay Attention to Reality, Not Just Hope

I don’t know the particulars of your marriage or why he chose separation. I also don’t know why he’s currently ignoring you.

However, regardless of his reasons, he is sending you a message about his current willingness to show up as your husband.

This is painful to face, but your peace depends on being willing to see reality clearly instead of fighting against it.

2. Be Careful with Mixed Signals

You are receiving very mixed signals from him:

separation
reconnection
hope for the future
distance again
complete avoidance

That emotional inconsistency creates instability and confusion.

This is why it’s important for you to move carefully, regardless of whether he reaches back out or not.

3. Decide What Kind of Relationship You Want

It’s time for you to get clear about the type of relationship you actually want.

If you continue repeatedly calling and pursuing him while he withdraws, you may unintentionally communicate that you are willing to tolerate an unstable pattern of connection and abandonment.

That kind of relationship often creates chronic insecurity and emotional exhaustion.

Please get clear on the message you want to send back to him, because he is already sending very clear messages through his behavior.

4. Secure Relationships Require Two People

If you want a secure relationship, you cannot do all of the work pulling him close.

A secure relationship is built when both partners are:

accessible
responsive
emotionally available
willing to engage with each other’s pain and fears

There is work to do, but both people have to participate.

5. Watch What He Does More Than What He Says

If he won’t clearly explain his intentions, then all you can really do is observe his actions and decide how you want to respond.

So far, he has shown you:

closeness
distance
avoidance

Only you can decide which of those reflects the deeper truth about where he stands.

6. Slow the Emotional Roller Coaster

If he does reconnect again, I recommend going directly into marriage counseling together.

A counselor can help both of you slow down the emotional swings and create enough stability to determine whether a secure relationship can truly be rebuilt.

If This Question Feels Close to Home…

Depending on where you are right now, here are a few next steps that may help:

• Feeling stuck in repetitive thoughts or emotional loops?
👉 Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About It - a free guide to help calm your nervous system and interrupt painful mental spirals.

• Want to show up better for your partner but don’t know how?
👉 10 Ways to Support Your Partner - a free practical guide to help you build trust without adding pressure.

• Ready to take structured responsibility and rebuild trust step by step?
👉 The Trust Building Bootcamp - a 12-week self-guided course for the partner who broke trust and wants to repair it the right way.

• Looking to strengthen your marriage and family culture overall?
👉 Great Truths Course - a guided course to bring more peace, clarity, and unity into your home.

You don’t have to stay stuck. There are clear next steps available when you’re ready.