Q&A with Geoff: Which is More Important? Being in Love or Loving Someone?
Question
I have a question, something I’ve pondered and thought about for a while and can’t come to a clear answer.
What’s more important in a relationship, being in love, or loving someone?
I’m in a relationship right now and it’s getting a little bumpy. This woman was married to an emotionally abusive man for years. She eventually left him, and, later we started dating.
We love each other with all our hearts. We both agree that we love each other more than we could ever possibly love another human being.
She is just struggling with the “in love” part. She says she has two jars, a “love” jar, and an “in love” jar. The “love” jar is overflowing, over 100% full. The “in love” jar, on the other hand, is 80% full.
She’s really struggling with that, and is now finding herself tempted by “in love” situations with other men.
So what’s more important?
Answer
It may seem like an odd distinction to put the word “love” into separate categories, but I think your girlfriend is revealing something important about vulnerability in relationships.
Essentially, she’s describing her struggle to let herself love and, in return, to be loved in a committed relationship.
What She’s Really Describing
Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse influences our emotions in profound ways.
Our emotions guide us through the world by signaling us in subtle, and not so subtle, ways how we should respond to people and situations.
Individuals who have been in abusive relationships learn to protect their hearts from getting hurt and can act in unpredictable ways when someone is getting emotionally close enough to hurt them.
The Difference Between “Loving” and Being “In Love”
This is why your girlfriend is making this separation between “loving” and being “in love.”
The latter feels more comfortable to her, as it’s based on infatuation and distance. It’s almost like a romantic crush.
The other person stays a mystery and becomes more intriguing. It’s an important stage of relationship formation, but it eventually transitions into a more mature committed love.
She says that her love jar is full, but can’t fully be in love with you. I think she’s created this other jar to protect her from having to stay fully connected to you.
Her heart is understandably terrified of getting injured again, so she’s going to create new criteria to distance her from that vulnerability.
What Real Commitment Requires
She’s allowed herself to feel close to you and began trusting you with her heart. Having been emotionally abused in the past, this is going to feel risky to her.
It matters how she copes with these vulnerable feelings.
She can surrender to the love you’re offering her and let herself love and be loved deeply, or she can keep looking for the thrill of infatuation with strangers.
It’s emotionally less risky to keep a relationship superficial and focus on romantic feelings. However, this won’t produce the kind of love that will support a committed relationship through the inevitable ups and downs of long-term love.
She will continue to feel tempted by “in love” feelings for other men until she fully allows herself to love and be loved by you.
This means she will allow her injured heart to be placed directly in your care by choosing to trust you.
She can love from a distance and even have loving feelings for you, but it won’t be a true committed relationship until she allows herself to believe that you have her back.
How to Move Forward
This is a good opportunity for you to initiate some discussions about her idea of emotional safety in a relationship.
Gently ask her if she has a fear of vulnerability. Explore what is frightening to her about commitment. See if you can help her find her way through any of those questions.
Also, ask if there are some concrete things you can do to be a safe harbor for her.
As she allows herself to be loved and connected to you, other opportunities will become less interesting to her.
These other options only exist because she can’t quite allow herself to embrace the love you’re offering her.
I hope she will give up some of her well-defended safety so she can experience the thrill of true attachment to another person.
If This Question Feels Close to Home…
Depending on where you are right now, here are a few next steps that may help:
• Feeling stuck in repetitive thoughts or emotional loops?
👉 Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About It - a free guide to help calm your nervous system and interrupt painful mental spirals.
• Want to show up better for your partner but don’t know how?
👉 10 Ways to Support Your Partner - a free practical guide to help you build trust without adding pressure.
• Ready to take structured responsibility and rebuild trust step by step?
👉 The Trust Building Bootcamp - a 12-week self-guided course for the partner who broke trust and wants to repair it the right way.
• Looking to strengthen your marriage and family culture overall?
👉 Great Truths Course - a guided course to bring more peace, clarity, and unity into your home.
You don’t have to stay stuck. There are clear next steps available when you’re ready.
